spare days.

Nine days since becoming single. Seven days since finishing uni (forever, might I add). With so much spare time on my hands at the moment, I figured there wasn’t a better time than now to start a blog. I’ve always been a fan of writing. I studied journalism so I could have a career in writing, before realising the strict structure of news stories and my apparent lack of interest in news itself meant that I wouldn’t be writing anything I enjoyed. So aside from all the free time, the other reason I’ve started this blog is so I can archive everything I write, and use it to direct magazine editors to, to sample my work and hopefully one day publish some of it.

So anyway, I’ve finished uni forever. Scary, but relatively easy. Easy for now at least, because I don’t have to deal with it right away. My plan has always been to actually have this time as a holiday, like everyone else. When the people I know who haven’t finished their degree go back to uni next year, that’s when I’ll start applying myself and looking for a job. Right now, I need a break. Hell, I deserve a break after 15 straight years of studying. And this summer was going to be so great. No immediate worries, spending it with the people I love. Except of course now I’m minus one of those people because I’m single. I don’t like being single. I’m much better in a relationship. I like making people I care about happy. I don’t like guys coming up to me in a club, I don’t even bother giving them the time of day. I don’t like the idea of having to get comfortable with someone new and find out their little quirks all over again. And obviously after just over a week I’m not even close to being in a state where I’m even capable of thinking about doing that.

They say that if you love someone you should let them go and if they return then they’re yours forever. I agree with the second part – if someone comes back to you, it clearly means they’ve realised there is no one else they’d rather be with. But how can anyone fully agree with the first bit? How can you let someone go if you’re still in love with them? If they’re still in love with you? That doesn’t seem logical. One of my life mottos has always been that you can’t stop people doing what they want to do - it’s their life. So when my ex (not sure how I feel applying that word to him after just nine days when it still hasn’t really sunk in for me yet but anyway), when he said he thought we should end this, I knew I couldn’t stop him or talk him out of it; his decision had been made. And more than anything, I want him to be happy. Even if he finds that happiness with someone else. If he does, then this break up was worth it because he found what he truly deserves. But then, naturally, there’s that little jealous part within me, and I’ve never been a jealous person, but it’s there in the back of my mind continuously poking me like an annoying child who wants your attention. “What if he finds someone better, and you don’t?” “What if you have to settle for second best?” “What if his decision means you have to be unhappy the rest of your life while he gets to live in bliss?” These questions won’t go away no matter how hard I try not to think about them. I don’t want to think about them. And I shouldn’t have to. I’m only 19 for god’s sake. We met at 17. How can you possibly know it’s the right person at 17? Doesn’t everyone have that little voice in their head wondering if there’s someone better? I guess that through this break up, that’s what he’s trying to do, decide whether I am the one he wants to be with in the long run or not. I like to think I’m a logical person and I’d like to think that because I can see his reason in that, it’s helping me be reasonable about his decision to leave. But you know what? As logical as I am, I don’t care. I don’t care if there’s anyone better. If there is, I don’t want to know about them ... unless he finds someone better in which case they better hurry the hell up and get in my life so I can be happy too! I guess the thing I keep coming back to, and perhaps am struggling to say, is how do you know if it’s the right thing to let someone go, if you don’t know what’s waiting for you?

p.s im sorry about so much writing. I doubt anyone except the people I know will be bothered getting all the way through it, but I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment. Promise I’ll try to cut back next time :)