You know, when I pray it’s never for me. And it’s always the same thing. Not that I pray very often, only when I’m at church which is about twice a year. I pray for family that has passed, I used to pray for my brother to be more respectful (though that’s getting better so I stopped), I pray for my other brother and sister-in-law to live safely and happily. I pray for my friends if they are in trouble. I’ve always been aware of my wellbeing and easy life so it feels rude praying for myself when there’s nothing I truly need that I don’t already have.
Oh that’s the other person I pray for, our sponsor child in Africa; Kefasi Macheza. You know how most kids dream of being rich and famous? Well in my dreams of that I was a superstar singer (ironic since I can’t sing at all, I know) who sponsored one child on each continent, if not more. I always wanted to help others, please others. I'm big on people pleasing. That’s why I’m horrible at saying no to people. Mind you, I have learnt that this isn’t always the best attitude in relationships or work as it leads to constant giving and never asking or expecting anything in return, which isn’t fair on me. But moving on.
Sometimes I wish I prayed more often, but mostly I think it’s bull. Not useless. Not at all. I think it’s a good way to ask for help if you’re too stubborn or scared to actually ask someone real. And I think it’s a useful way to get things off your chest and be honest about what you need. But do I think God is listening or that he’ll respond? God, no (see what I did there?). I used to test this when I was younger and had to attend church every Sunday. I’d say things like “if you are listening God, give me a sign, say something back”. I knew I’d never get a response and I never did. Though maybe I never got a response because I never believed I would. I only just thought about that now. Hmm.
But yet, I do believe in God, or in a higher power. And I like the idea that someone is watching over me, if not responding to me. And I believe it doesn’t matter what name you use – Buddha, Krishna, Christ – it’s all the same thing. I love what religion teaches. I hate what religion actually is. It teaches love, kindness, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness. All valid lessons in life, any life. But it is contradicting, power seeking, outdated (at least Christianity is, I can’t speak for the others), money hungry and corrupt. It is man-made and it is an excuse for war. Therefore, I cannot say I am religious, because I completely disagree with what it has become and how those who are strong believers try to push it on those who are not. Isn’t it also supposed to teach respect? Well then, respect those with a different viewpoint to yourself, you self righteous religious person.
I tried looking up what catergory I can be placed in regards to my view on religion and God but didn't really get anywhere. Not Catholic because I don't believe the stories in the Bible. Not an Agnostic because they neither accept nor deny the existence of God. Not a Theist because they only believe in one God whereas I believe there might be more. I half decided on Henotheist because they believe in more than one God but only worship one, before realising I really don't care that much after all. I believe what I do and it's probably not going to fit into a nice little definition that other people also follow.
I believe in faith. That great leap in trusting something unknown. I believe in doing good – not because it will get you into heaven or because what goes around comes around – simply because doing good is good. End of story. Only thing religion should worry about.
Oh and p.s. two days of blogging in a row - look at me go!
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