two's company.

So the other night I went out clubbing to Capital (don’t judge me, it wasn’t my choice) and while I was there I witnessed something that has bugged me since my first outing to Paramount (again, don’t judge, I was young and didn’t know any better) for my 18^th birthday. It’s common knowledge that girls go to the bathroom together. But the actual toilet? This I was not aware of. Three years later, it still makes no sense to me. Going to the bathroom together – sure, that seems logical; you don’t want to lose your friend in a big place, you both have to go to the toilet, one of you wants to use the mirror. Going to the toilet together – not so logical; you don’t get to use the toilet any quicker (unless you’re both sitting on there at the same time in which case you have serious issues and not to mention tiny backsides), you can just as easily carry on your conversation through the door or wait until you’re both out, toilets aren’t built for two people so it’s squishy, and there’s another person right next to you while you’re trying to do something rather private!

Luckily for me, my main group of friends don’t have this odd habit so when we’re out we can use the rest room in peace. However, I have been put in this position before, where a friend just follows you in. For someone not used to, nor comfortable with it, it’s an odd experience. And apparently one that you can’t really get out of. Saying “Hey what the hell are you doing?” isn’t very polite and by the time you realize they’re following you in, it’s almost too late to say anything.

Of course there are reasons that could explain why girls go to the toilet together. Maybe one is sick and the other is holding her hair back. Maybe one is hiding/crying and the other is comforting her. Maybe they snuck a flask into the club and are sharing it in there. It would be fine if these, or something like these, were the only reasons girls did it … but they’re not. Most of the time, it’s just because they both need the toilet. And this, I do not understand. Even if you’re drunk, I still do not understand. When I’ve been drinking I don’t think, “Hey, you know what would be fun? Going to the toilet together!” Where did this idea come from? Who was the girl that originally suggested it? And, more importantly, why did her friend agree to it!?

I believe you should be close to your bestfriends, you should be able to share everything with them. But there’s a line that should be drawn. For me, that line is the toilet door.

zoë foster.

For those of you who don’t know, I currently love Zoë Foster. A lot. I know the last time I said I loved someone in this blog it was also a female, a model to be precise, but it’s not my fault females have better bodies and seem to write funnier relationship advice, is it? I’ll admit one of the main reasons I love Zoë is because I want to be her. I envy her. I want to steal her life from her while she’s happily sleeping next to her funny-as boyfriend Hamish Blake (cutest/best/funniest couple ever). I want to be her because she writes relationship columns and does it in a way that always makes me laugh and a way that I always agree with. So there I am, reading her book, ‘Textbook Romance’ (with "occasionally useful comments from Hamish Blake” – why wouldn’t you get your famous boyfriend to add his two cents?!) and I’m laughing out loud quite often while also thinking to myself “I know all of this, that’s why I’m always so gosh darn optimistic about love and life, even when I'm alone”. Anyway, it’s safe to say I’m not going to learn much new but that’s fine by me, I’m happy to sit here agreeing with Zoë and laughing with her.

I like to think I’ve learnt a bit about relationships in my mere 20 years, particularly in the last 5, though it isn’t hard to improve on complete naivety so maybe this isn’t much of an achievement. But I like to think I often know what people should do in their relationships – it’s not as bloody hard as you’re making it out to be, just walk away/stop being a bitch/get out of your own head and look at it from his perspective for once!

The biggest thing to remember with relationships, and the thing a few people tend to lose, is logic and perspective. And anyone that thinks relationships are hard aren’t in the right relationship. Don’t get me wrong, of course there are always going to be issues and problems along the way but you should be able to sort them out and if it gets to a point where it becomes too hard to do that, it’s probably not worth trying. It’s not necessarily the relationship that’s hard, it’s determining whether or not it’s worth it and saying no to the person you love so much, but who isn’t treating you right. And that is hard. That’s near impossible. To turn away from someone you don’t want to be without, but who is making your life more sad than happy? It’s hard to draw that line. And then all these other insecurities can start popping up. My big one used to be; “what if I never find anyone better?” The worst thing about this one is that it can easily turn into “what if I don’t deserve anyone better?” and that can really get under your skin and convince you to stay where you are because this might be as good as it gets.  

So, the thing I’ve learnt is; this is total bullshit. And the second you start thinking it, the second you start believing it, the second you start acting like it, it becomes true. Because if you don’t think you deserve better then you don’t. Nobody likes insecurity - it goes hand in hand with desperation, what a turn on! And guess what, I wrote most of this last week but hadn’t got around to posting it. And then I started reading Zoë. And she’s saying the exact same thing! So it must be right, right? Of course, she’s a published author so she says it much better than I do and with much more credibility. To prove this, I’m going to leave you with a few of her words (from only the first 20 pages might I add) – I hope you find them as amusing as I did, and even though it’s only snippets, who knows, you might even learn something! 

TEXTBOOK ROMANCE snippets;

“Pearl liked to sit and tell me how miserable she was because she’d put on weight and she felt gross and unsexy. We had this conversation at least once a week. And then one day I slapped her across the face with an oven mitt and told her TO SNAP OUT OF IT AND LOSE THE GOD DAMN WEIGHT ALREADY. I didn’t really do that, of course.”

Input from Hamish Blake: “Like in Mr Men books (let me know if im getting too intellectual): if you hate Mr Grumpy (who doesn’t?), why not go out with Mr Tickle? I mean, imagine what he could do with those hands… "

“Mini Lesson:  Persepctive is Key, or Being Single is Fucking Awesome… Never in your life can you be so utterly, deliciously selfish as when you are single. DO NOT PASS THIS OPPORTUNITY UP.”

“Be terrifyingly honest about your flaws and your strengths, know your worth, build up your confidence … and love yourself to the point of wanting to text yourself sexy messages before bed.”

“In this lesson you’ll learn that thinking of yourself as incredibly valuable means others will see you that way too. (You’ll also learn that you’re actually a designer bag made in France.)”

“If you believe that you attract men without even trying because you're so fuckin' awesome and how on earth could they resist, then you will ... Project an image of self-love, and so it shall be! (Hallelujah!) (Cut to gospel choir.)"

it's impossible to lie to yourself.

I'm sure I've said this before but when I started this blog I wanted to use it to write because that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life, in one way or another. And I also wanted to use it to be really honest with myself. Because you know things aren’t right when you’re trying to lie to yourself. And, of course, it never works anyway because no matter how hard you try not to think about what you really feel, or convince yourself otherwise, it’s impossible to lie to yourself. Like last night, around 10.30pm, I was feeling pretty tired and normally at that point I’d just go to sleep. But I stayed up reading. I stayed up until 11pm. I tried to tell myself it was because I was really interested in my book and I wasn’t that tired anyway. The truth? I was staying up to see if my ex-boyfriend would come online so I could talk to him. Pathetic, right? Oh, I’m single again by the way, for those of you who didn’t know (who am I kidding, you all know, because my guess is the only people reading this are people I actually know in real life and you all would have gotten the facebook update).

Anyway, I’ve been switching between feeling really angry and annoyed at being single (he didn’t love me enough to stay with me for 5 months while he is overseas? Bastard!) to missing him immensely, being happy to hear from him and misguidedly thinking he’ll come around and realize this is a mistake (he won’t; he’s stubborn, true to his starsign) and finally, being my optimistic self and thinking “I’m only 20. If he doesn’t want to stay with me, that’s fine, I’ve got plenty of time to find someone who does. Jokes on him! Hahaha.” Isn’t life hilarious?

But anyway, I’ll get to the optimism in another blog – most likely something along the lines of ‘if you don’t believe you deserve better, you’ll never get it. Self-doubt is your biggest obstacle!’.  For the meantime, I’m focusing on the missing him part. The trickiest part of this is figuring out if it’s the person you miss, or just having someone to be with, the intimacy, someone who’s obliged to listen to your pointless and shit stories. Because no one does that the way a partner does. And I guess there are two good ways to figure this out. You can wait it out, get to a point where you are used to being single and no longer miss the ins and outs of being in a relationship as much, and then if you still miss the actual person, there’s your answer. Or, you can find someone else to give you a relationship, and if it isn’t as good or you aren’t as happy, there’s your answer too. The problem with both of these? They take time. And waiting sucks. It sucks when you just want to pop into the shops to pick up some tissues and get stuck in the checkout line and it sucks when you’re trying to figure out if you really miss someone or not.

Right now, this is what I know; my life is very repetitive and not really going anywhere at the moment. Now, that’s mostly because I’m scared of going after what I want and not being good enough to succeed at it but, nonetheless, the situation begs you to question what you’re doing with your life and what’s important in it – people obviously included. Yesterday, I saw a job advertised that I should apply for and could potentially get and naturally this made me nervous. But the first person I wanted to tell and talk to about it was him. Not my mum or my bestfriend or the people I studied with. Him. And that made me even more nervous.