it's impossible to lie to yourself.

I'm sure I've said this before but when I started this blog I wanted to use it to write because that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life, in one way or another. And I also wanted to use it to be really honest with myself. Because you know things aren’t right when you’re trying to lie to yourself. And, of course, it never works anyway because no matter how hard you try not to think about what you really feel, or convince yourself otherwise, it’s impossible to lie to yourself. Like last night, around 10.30pm, I was feeling pretty tired and normally at that point I’d just go to sleep. But I stayed up reading. I stayed up until 11pm. I tried to tell myself it was because I was really interested in my book and I wasn’t that tired anyway. The truth? I was staying up to see if my ex-boyfriend would come online so I could talk to him. Pathetic, right? Oh, I’m single again by the way, for those of you who didn’t know (who am I kidding, you all know, because my guess is the only people reading this are people I actually know in real life and you all would have gotten the facebook update).

Anyway, I’ve been switching between feeling really angry and annoyed at being single (he didn’t love me enough to stay with me for 5 months while he is overseas? Bastard!) to missing him immensely, being happy to hear from him and misguidedly thinking he’ll come around and realize this is a mistake (he won’t; he’s stubborn, true to his starsign) and finally, being my optimistic self and thinking “I’m only 20. If he doesn’t want to stay with me, that’s fine, I’ve got plenty of time to find someone who does. Jokes on him! Hahaha.” Isn’t life hilarious?

But anyway, I’ll get to the optimism in another blog – most likely something along the lines of ‘if you don’t believe you deserve better, you’ll never get it. Self-doubt is your biggest obstacle!’.  For the meantime, I’m focusing on the missing him part. The trickiest part of this is figuring out if it’s the person you miss, or just having someone to be with, the intimacy, someone who’s obliged to listen to your pointless and shit stories. Because no one does that the way a partner does. And I guess there are two good ways to figure this out. You can wait it out, get to a point where you are used to being single and no longer miss the ins and outs of being in a relationship as much, and then if you still miss the actual person, there’s your answer. Or, you can find someone else to give you a relationship, and if it isn’t as good or you aren’t as happy, there’s your answer too. The problem with both of these? They take time. And waiting sucks. It sucks when you just want to pop into the shops to pick up some tissues and get stuck in the checkout line and it sucks when you’re trying to figure out if you really miss someone or not.

Right now, this is what I know; my life is very repetitive and not really going anywhere at the moment. Now, that’s mostly because I’m scared of going after what I want and not being good enough to succeed at it but, nonetheless, the situation begs you to question what you’re doing with your life and what’s important in it – people obviously included. Yesterday, I saw a job advertised that I should apply for and could potentially get and naturally this made me nervous. But the first person I wanted to tell and talk to about it was him. Not my mum or my bestfriend or the people I studied with. Him. And that made me even more nervous.