zoë foster.

For those of you who don’t know, I currently love Zoë Foster. A lot. I know the last time I said I loved someone in this blog it was also a female, a model to be precise, but it’s not my fault females have better bodies and seem to write funnier relationship advice, is it? I’ll admit one of the main reasons I love Zoë is because I want to be her. I envy her. I want to steal her life from her while she’s happily sleeping next to her funny-as boyfriend Hamish Blake (cutest/best/funniest couple ever). I want to be her because she writes relationship columns and does it in a way that always makes me laugh and a way that I always agree with. So there I am, reading her book, ‘Textbook Romance’ (with "occasionally useful comments from Hamish Blake” – why wouldn’t you get your famous boyfriend to add his two cents?!) and I’m laughing out loud quite often while also thinking to myself “I know all of this, that’s why I’m always so gosh darn optimistic about love and life, even when I'm alone”. Anyway, it’s safe to say I’m not going to learn much new but that’s fine by me, I’m happy to sit here agreeing with Zoë and laughing with her.

I like to think I’ve learnt a bit about relationships in my mere 20 years, particularly in the last 5, though it isn’t hard to improve on complete naivety so maybe this isn’t much of an achievement. But I like to think I often know what people should do in their relationships – it’s not as bloody hard as you’re making it out to be, just walk away/stop being a bitch/get out of your own head and look at it from his perspective for once!

The biggest thing to remember with relationships, and the thing a few people tend to lose, is logic and perspective. And anyone that thinks relationships are hard aren’t in the right relationship. Don’t get me wrong, of course there are always going to be issues and problems along the way but you should be able to sort them out and if it gets to a point where it becomes too hard to do that, it’s probably not worth trying. It’s not necessarily the relationship that’s hard, it’s determining whether or not it’s worth it and saying no to the person you love so much, but who isn’t treating you right. And that is hard. That’s near impossible. To turn away from someone you don’t want to be without, but who is making your life more sad than happy? It’s hard to draw that line. And then all these other insecurities can start popping up. My big one used to be; “what if I never find anyone better?” The worst thing about this one is that it can easily turn into “what if I don’t deserve anyone better?” and that can really get under your skin and convince you to stay where you are because this might be as good as it gets.  

So, the thing I’ve learnt is; this is total bullshit. And the second you start thinking it, the second you start believing it, the second you start acting like it, it becomes true. Because if you don’t think you deserve better then you don’t. Nobody likes insecurity - it goes hand in hand with desperation, what a turn on! And guess what, I wrote most of this last week but hadn’t got around to posting it. And then I started reading Zoë. And she’s saying the exact same thing! So it must be right, right? Of course, she’s a published author so she says it much better than I do and with much more credibility. To prove this, I’m going to leave you with a few of her words (from only the first 20 pages might I add) – I hope you find them as amusing as I did, and even though it’s only snippets, who knows, you might even learn something! 

TEXTBOOK ROMANCE snippets;

“Pearl liked to sit and tell me how miserable she was because she’d put on weight and she felt gross and unsexy. We had this conversation at least once a week. And then one day I slapped her across the face with an oven mitt and told her TO SNAP OUT OF IT AND LOSE THE GOD DAMN WEIGHT ALREADY. I didn’t really do that, of course.”

Input from Hamish Blake: “Like in Mr Men books (let me know if im getting too intellectual): if you hate Mr Grumpy (who doesn’t?), why not go out with Mr Tickle? I mean, imagine what he could do with those hands… "

“Mini Lesson:  Persepctive is Key, or Being Single is Fucking Awesome… Never in your life can you be so utterly, deliciously selfish as when you are single. DO NOT PASS THIS OPPORTUNITY UP.”

“Be terrifyingly honest about your flaws and your strengths, know your worth, build up your confidence … and love yourself to the point of wanting to text yourself sexy messages before bed.”

“In this lesson you’ll learn that thinking of yourself as incredibly valuable means others will see you that way too. (You’ll also learn that you’re actually a designer bag made in France.)”

“If you believe that you attract men without even trying because you're so fuckin' awesome and how on earth could they resist, then you will ... Project an image of self-love, and so it shall be! (Hallelujah!) (Cut to gospel choir.)"