nothing much.

I’m bored. I’m bored of my life. I’ve always had something keeping me occupied; school five days a week; university mixed with a part time job. Time off used to be amazing because that’s exactly what it was – time off knowing you’d be going to back to busy weeks soon enough. My weeks aren’t busy. I’ve never had this much spare time. And it’s killing me. I’m not excited about it, I’m bored. I’m angry with it. It’s killing my optimism. It’s killing my love of life. Not only are my weeks blending together, my months are doing it, too. It’s almost September. Eight months of the year have gone by and I have no idea what I’ve been doing with them. Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly what I’ve been doing with them and the answer is ‘nothing much'.

I work at a job where there are only 3 shifts a week available to me. Even when I’m at work I’m bored. It’s not necessarily the job, I like the work that I do, but I work in retail and I work at Whitfords, so of course it’s boring. Most of the people in my life are still studying, or working, so they don’t have days free. And there are only so many activities you can do on your own before you run out of ways to fill your day. Isn’t that depressing? People all over the world are complaining about how they have to be at work every day and here I am complaining that I don’t. Murphy, you are a rather annoying law.

You’d think all this frustration with free time would give me a lot of motivation to eradicate the problem. Unfortunately the opposite seems to be happening. I have a feeling I’ve misplaced my motivation somewhere along the line. And as much as I know that in every other aspect of my life I am happy and therefore I am happy with my life, because I truly am, it’s hard not to focus on the one thing that’s wrong. And then drown yourself in thoughts about that one thing until it seems to be the only thing that matters.

I don’t like my frame of mind at the moment. I don’t like not being my usual upbeat self. I just need something … more. Something to change my attitude. Something to make me excited to wake up each morning, or at least give me a reason to do so.

love love.

In case you didn't know, I love love. I went to the library today (you remember those, you used to go there when you were little and had to write about reptiles for a school project?) and the four books cradled in my arms as I left all came from the same section – the one titled ‘romance’. In my defense, I did wander through the rest of the library, scanning shelves for anything that took my interest. I know they always tell you not to judge a book by its cover but the reality is, that’s the only way I choose my books and nothing else catches my eye the way romance novels do.

I love love songs, too. Real love songs though, the ones with meaning and feeling, not some cheesy pop song with cringe-worthy lyrics set to an upbeat tune and sung by the likes of Katy Perry or Kesha. And while romantic movies are often predictable and contain unrealistic, always happy endings, I’m still always happy to settle in to a nice, light hearted rom-com.

I love people who are in love, especially elderly couples who walk the streets holding hands, but also friends my own age, telling me how their boyfriend surprised them with candles and dinner or showing me their engagement ring and sharing the story of the proposal. I love couples even when I’m not in one. Especially when I’m not in one because they keep me believing in love.

   

I should, however, disclose the fact that I’ve never been in a truly horrible relationship. Sure, there’s only really one instance in my life where I was the one who chose to end the relationship (and even then you’ll get an argument out of the guy about how ‘he wanted to end it too and it was at least mutual’). Mostly I am the one who gets left and left wondering why. But that’s not the type of thing to dampen my spirits. With each failed relationship, I take my lesson with me, happy for the experience, and move on.

I think one of my biggest reasons to believe so strongly in such a fickle emotion (besides being able to see it anywhere I go) is that my first example of love came from my parents. Your parents’ relationship will always have a big impact on your life. They say trouble believing in love might have something to do with your parents’ rocky relationship. I have no such trouble. Twenty-seven years on, my parents still can’t go a night without talking to each other. They still love each other’s little quirks (even if their children don’t) and they still enjoy each other’s time. They love each other, even when they’re angry at each other. They truly set the best example of love … even to my friends, some of whom tell me they’d be more distraught if my parents broke up, than if their own did.

I understand that sometimes, due to past experiences, it can be hard to trust someone with your heart. The heart is a fragile thing, and there are only too many sayings about how “loving someone is like giving them a gun pointing at your heart and trusting them not to pull the trigger”. And, as we all know, this trigger pulling can be on purpose or accidental (I’m still not sure which is worse). But no matter how many problems you face in the fight for love, how many nights you spend wishing you didn’t care so much, or it didn’t hurt so much, or whatever else it is you’re upset about, I will never understand ruling love out of your life completely. I will never understand people who don’t believe in love. Because, as one of my favourite love films will tell us, Love Actually is all around. And that always puts a smile on my face.

friends and acquaintances.

Friends. One little word, one huge impact on your life. Good friends, bad friends, best friends. Old friends, new friends, long distance friends. Family friends, work friends, school friends. They shape who you are, what you do, and how you feel. They can brighten your day, or be the reason you’re down. They can be true and stick around for the long haul, or they can fade away and turn into mere acquaintances. For me, this is the year of 21^st’s and that makes you think about the friends in your life, even the ones who have turned into acquaintances.

These acquaintances are the people you run into at the shops with nothing but a smile before they continue leading the life you’re no longer a part of. You dance in the same room as them at other 21^st’‘s and wonder if they’d even come to yours if you invited them. You see their status pop up on your Facebook wall and realize if it weren’t for this social network site, you’d have no idea what they’re doing with themselves these days. You, who used to be so close to them, who used to talk to them every day and share everything with them, are nothing but a distant memory.

Sometimes I think about the people I used to be this close with. The people I used to class as my best friends, whom I no longer see. I remember phone calls we had, jokes we made, time we spent together and I wonder if they ever think the same. Do they remember we used to be there for each other no matter what? Do they even resemble that same person today? Would I still want to be friends with them if I could?

After a while, these questions no longer matter. We realize that if they don’t love us enough to stick around, maybe they never loved us at all. Maybe we’re better off without them. Of course (unless they betrayed us in ways involving the stealing of a partner, the spreading of a terrible rumour, or other such life altering actions) of this we can never be sure. The ‘maybe’ will always hang over these statements. And that’s why, maybe, the best thing to do is simply look back with fond memories of the friendship you once shared and look forward with great anticipation of the future friendships you could experience.