cry ugly.

Crying is my default reaction. I cry when I’m sad, annoyed, angry, anxious, nervous, stressed, confused. Some people yell, others clam up. I cry. It’s just the way it is. I’m not sure how weird this is (because this is the kind of thing you’d generally only tell a bestfriend and even then you’d risk sounding completely idiotic and possibly unstable) but sometimes I even cry for no good reason. I can’t fully explain it. Sometimes it’s for one of those silly reasons like I’ve had a bad day. You know those days where little things pile up and by the end of it you just need to break down. Sometimes it’s because I am worried or nervous. Sometimes it’s because I’m nostalgic. But I’m not talking a few tears thinking about someone I miss. I’m talking truly intense crying until I’m gasping for air, clutching at my pillow with all the strength I can summon and feeling my head pounding with what I can only assume is a headache. It’s at this point that I forget whatever inconsequential notion set me off to begin with and I am unable to think about anything, yet still unable to stop crying. Sure, sometimes I will try to rationalize my behaviour but I know nothing is that upsetting in my life to cause this kind of over the top reaction. So instead I just go with it. Sometimes I even think back to particularly upsetting moments in my life, just to spur it on. Get it all out, as they say. Because sometimes there isn’t anything better than a good cry. Sometimes it makes you realize how silly you’re being, even if it leaves you with mascara staining your pillow. Of course, I only cry like this in the privacy of my own bedroom. No one wants to see me like that. My mum once told me I ‘cry ugly’. And she was right. I don’t look cute and endearing when I cry. My face goes bright red, my eyes sting, I look disgusting. Even I don’t want to look at myself when I cry. But it’s still always my default reaction for dealing with things. And I still always feel better afterwards.