Relationships can be hard work, but what’s even harder is making the decision to leave one. If you’re in the type of relationship where you’re dating, seeing someone but without an official title, it can be tricky to see the reality. If you act like a couple when you’re together, he tells you all the sweet nothings you love to hear and especially if your heart jumps out of your chest like a cartoon character every time you see him, you can get lost in the notion that this relationship is more serious than it really is. But if he’s told you he doesn’t want to commit, no matter what his reason – maybe he doesn’t want to settle down, maybe he’s been hurt before and is apprehensive about trusting again – continuing to see him will not change his mind. Showing him your best ‘girlfriend qualities’ will not change his mind. If you’re thinking it will, stop. Stop wasting your time wishing he’d change overnight. He won’t. I know the movies tell us differently, I know they depict stories where the two protagonists flirt and sleep together and fight and then realize they were only fighting their love for each other. Hey, this is a lovely idea but there’s a reason you’re watching it on a tv screen rather than telling your best friend that it happened to you (the reason being; it didn’t). So, either be happy with the casualness of what you’re doing or cut your losses, get out and find someone who does want to commit to you.
Of course, if you’re already in the committed relationship it can be even harder to make the decision to leave. Harder, and much, much braver. It takes a lot of courage and self belief to leave someone you’ve been with for years, someone you’ve gotten into a comfortable routine with. Your judgment can get clouded and your pride can get in the way. People don’t like to admit that something they’ve been doing for years isn’t working anymore. But this isn’t failure. This is realization. Realization that maybe you’re not happy anymore. That maybe your partner is the reason you’re not happy anymore. And this doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault either. People sometimes simply drift apart. We are constantly changing. You might not be the same person you were five years ago. The same things might not make you happy anymore. Or, your relationship might have gotten slack. After years together, it’s more important than ever to keep the romance alive and remind each other with simple gestures or a nice surprise that you still love each other. Falling out of love is a hard thing to distinguish. However, if you find yourself in this situation, sticking around so as to not hurt your partner isn’t the answer. It will only make you resent them. At this point, it’s better to be brave, face the unknown and cut your losses. You might just find it’s the best thing you’ve done for yourself in a long time.
If you are still in love, however, you face a truly torturous dilemma. Loving someone who isn’t good for you, or good enough for you, is like constantly binging on chocolate and then complaining that you’re fat. Or worse, binging without complaining or even noticing that you’re getting fat until one day you have a heart attack. We put up with a lot of crap for the person we love. But if you’re always the one making compromises, if you’re made to feel bad for having a life outside of them, if you fight more often than you laugh together, you need to make the tough decision. You need to trust that you deserve better and that you will find it. This, I know, is terrifying. Leaving someone you love will leave you alone, upset and confused. But hopefully you will be able to gain an unclouded perspective and know that it was for the best in the long run. Having faith in yourself is of utmost importance in this situation, because without it, it’s going to be much harder to know you need to cut your losses and find someone who treats you right and makes being together easy. Because while relationships do take work, if you’re working so hard to just keep it going, maybe it’s not working after all.
