up in my head.

I spend way too much time in my own head. I’ve always known this. I'm a thinker. I think about my friends and their relationships, I think about how lucky I am to have what I do, I think about what I'm going to wear the next day/later that night. I can spend an obscene amount of time mentally running through everything in my wardrobe. I think about what might happen in the future, I spend a lot of time doing that too. Then I think about how I know I can’t plan the future so all this thinking is pointless. I think about any issues I have with people and I think about what I want to say to them. I think about how I'm going to say it. I think about what they might respond with. And I do this over and over again. Safe to say, I'm a little nuts. Then again, aren’t we all?

All this thinking, also means I over analyse things too. The upside to this is, I know when to stop. I know when to take a minute and remind myself that I'm just getting up in my own head and I need come back down to earth. Over-thinking is sort of like an indulgence for me; something you know you shouldn’t really do, but you can’t help yourself. But this over-analysing, I believe it’s become more apparent to me in the last few months. My boyfriend is to thank for this. See, I know I do all these things. I know I can read too much into things and, apparently, take things too literally. But you never notice it quite as much as when it’s being pointed out to you.

My boyfriend always points it out. I know it shows a lot more when I'm with him, because I told myself before we met I was going to say exactly what was on my mind with all future relationships, no matter how nuts it made me seem. The great thing about him is, he puts up with it. He listens to me ramble on and question him about things I'm reading too much into, then he tells to stop. He tells me I'm taking it too literally. He pulls me up on it. He gets me out of my own head – sometimes, before I'm ready – and makes me realise I just need to let go. Sometimes, it can be hard to do this by yourself. Sometimes we need other people to give us back some of our own perspective.

Single vs. Couple.

Everyone knows someone who is always loved up. They hate being alone and jump from one relationship to the next, avoiding the single life like the plague. Everyone also knows someone who is eternally single. They have been ever since you met them and picturing them in a monogamous, committed relationship is like picturing your parents getting it on; just wrong.

Most of us, however, are neither of these extremes. Most of us have experienced both the single life and the couple life. I always wonder, however, which side of the fence people fall on if they had to choose a preference?

For me, I know that I really enjoy being single. I get the most out of it that I possibly can, I love the stories that come from having a single dating life, I love having time to do what I want, I love girls night’s out and that little rush of confidence and ‘man I’m good’ thought you get when you’re out at a bar and spot a cute guy checking you out. For me, being single is, and always will be, an awesome time.

That said, I know that being in a relationship makes me happier than being single ever could. Being with someone who makes me so happy just thinking about them and who leaves me with a giddy little smile on my face that I can’t wipe off is truly great. Knowing that I’m also making the person I love just as happy is the cherry on top. There’s not a lot I love more than being the reason for someone’s happiness, especially when that person means something to me.

More than anything, I love that beginning part of relationships where everything is new and fun – something I’m in the middle of at the moment. I think all relationships should have an ongoing element of simplicity and ease, but even more so at the start. Everything flows along smoothly and seems to fall into place. A relationship for me simply adds to all the other already great aspects in my life. Having someone to fall asleep with at night, someone to talk to at the end of each day, someone to wrap their arm around you and kiss you on the forehead; for me, it’s a clear winner.

nice guys finish first.

We’ve grown up with fairytales where the prince wins the princess’s heart with his charm, good looks and chivalry. We have dreamed about these princes since we were old enough to play dress up in our mother’s wedding gown. Yet, when faced with such a man in real life, we often look right past him. As the saying goes, nice guys finish last. But while bad boys will always have that certain something about them that makes them dangerously attractive, I think it’s time to pay attention to the real benefits of dating a good guy.

If you are constantly waiting to hear back from your man, secretly dreading to introduce him to your parents and friends, or sick of wasting time waiting to hear back from him and wondering whether he really likes you, you may need to find yourself a good guy. These good guys can be spotted by their polite behaviour, willingness to open doors for females and consistency in following through with an arranged date. These are the guys you don’t have to worry about anything with, the ones who don’t cause frustration or the need for group meetings with the girls to discuss ‘what’s going on’.

I know it can be exciting dating a bad boy and don’t get me wrong, the idea of a man who rides a bike and looks a bit rough around the edges is always sexy. I’m not talking about this. I’m not talking about a man who has a bit of a wild side (this, I think we can all agree, is actually a good thing). I mean those boys who think too highly of them self, expect girls to fall at their feet and treat them like something they can mess around with then cast off again when they’re bored.

They can often be hard to spot in the beginning because they generally know all the right things to say. They are masters of talking the talk, without walking the walk. Of course, there’s a difference between calling you beautiful because they know you’ll eat it up, to saying it because they mean it. There’s a difference between simply telling you they’re happy to wait “as long as you want” before sleeping together, to actually waiting and not rushing you on it - and then not rushing out the nearest door, window, or fire escape afterwards without so much as another word because they’ve finally reached their ‘goal’.

Somehow, I’ve been pretty lucky not to waste too much time on boys like this and instead find genuinely good guys to spend time with. And I believe these good guys are actually everywhere, you just have to keep your eye out for them and, most importantly, not overlook them.

I think the phrase “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” needs to be thrown out of some of our vocabularies and replaced with something along the lines of “if he treats you mean, tell him to f*ck off”. I know, I know, it’s not as catchy and doesn’t rhyme but it is much better advice in the long run.

In my opinion, good guys should be the most attractive guy there is. Paying attention, remembering what you say, caring about what’s going on in your life, making future plans with you – these are all traits possessed by good guys. These are traits we should all look for and not settle for anything less. Our favourite fairytale characters certainly didn’t … and they all ended up living happily ever after.

Kony.

I'm about to be extremely contradicting in this blog, I can tell you that before I even write it. It might seem like I'm against people who are trying to make the world a better place. It might seem like I'm saying the world should do nothing. I'm not. If you don't like my opinions that's fine, but I'm going to share them anyway because right now I have to write this out. I have to tell someone, and who better than anyone who can be bothered reading this overly massive rant? And please don’t tell me I’m wrong. They are opinions. By their very nature they cannot be right or wrong. That’s the beauty of a blog.

If you haven’t heard of Joseph Kony by now, you probably don’t have the internet. If you don’t have the internet you can’t read this anyway. So let’s just assume you know what I'm talking about and you’ve seen the Kony 2012 clip (if you’ve got half an hour spare maybe go watch it if you haven’t already - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc&feature=youtube_gdata_player). This clip captures everything I love, hate, and am confused about in the world. It’s the sort of thing that makes me sit back, take stock, shed a few tears, get mad, feel motivated, be happy I am contributing in some small way, wish there was more I was doing, and then close the screen down, continue on with my day and subsequently forget.

Because isn’t that what you all did too? Get all motivated to ‘do something’, bitch about the injustice in the world, perhaps click a few links and sign a few petitions (before really looking into the organisation and what it is you’re actually signing), feel good that you actually have done something (which you very well may have, only time will tell) and then realise you have other things you need to get done today and move on. I know I have other things I should be doing instead of writing about this right now.

The people who made this clip though? They didn’t get on with their day. They didn’t go back to their day to day living. They saw these things first hand. That makes a huge difference when it comes to instigating change. Seeing it on your computer screen is very different to being there, to experiencing it. Everyone has something they care most for when it comes to compassion and charity. For some it’s animal cruelty, for others it’s homeless youth in your own country. Mine has always been children in third world countries. Children born into countries where the government is so corrupt and the entire country is so poor they are given no real chance at life. My heart goes out to them and it kills me a little bit every time I think about what they suffer through on a daily basis. So I really do appreciate what these guys are doing. It’s something I don’t think I’d have the determination or willpower to do, as much as I wish I did, so I'm grateful that they, at least, do.

The clip created by Invisible Children has some very powerful, very true, very worthwhile messages in it. Messages like
“Who are you to end a war? I ask who are you not to?”
“Where you live shouldn’t determine if you live”
“We are not just studying human history, we are shaping it”

Of course, these messages are nothing new. It’s just like the quote attributed to Gandhi over one hundred years ago – “Be the change you want to see in the world”. But they are messages that we need to be reminded of every now and then. The problem is, even though this clip isn’t just messages, even though it does instigate action, the people behind it have made changes and they are giving the world a way to help, rather than just saying they should help, even though all of this has happened, I can’t help but think it isn’t enough. It won’t work. Or even if it does work, it still won’t be enough.

There’s been a bit of scepticism about the group behind this clip as well – Invisible Children. I read an interesting little rant from a girl who looked into the group before jumping on the Kony 2012 bandwagon and found that the not for profit group had a total revenue of $13,765,177 in 2011, with total expenses at $8,894630. This leaves a leftover profit of $4,870,547. Over 4 million dollars profit for a not for profit organisation. I'm not sure how that adds up. To be honest, that’s not really my concern, though it was interesting at the time and something worthwhile noting. I'm sure this is case with other not for profits fundraising money to help those less fortunate, too...

But back to Kony and Uganda. We’ve had governments step in to help other countries before, as is often necessary, but that doesn’t mean it works. America still has troops in Iran and Afghanistan. A lot of American citizens are calling for these troops to come back home. Osama Bin Laden is dead, but their soldiers still aren’t home. The point I'm making is that just because armed forces are there, doesn’t mean these criminal leaders will be stopped. And even if they are stopped, it doesn’t mean the war will end. It doesn’t mean justice will be served. It can, however, mean more innocent lives are taken as collateral damage. That is a sweeping statement, I'm aware, and I’ll admit I haven’t really looked into this, but I feel it’s still a statement worth considering.

My other problem is, apparently “Kony moved out of Uganda” and it “is relatively safe” now. So sending troops to help the army in a country where Kony is no longer based ... doesn’t seem to make that much sense, especially if they aren’t allowed to cross into surrounding countries to follow him. And of course, the big one, even if they do find him and kill him, will it change anything?

Will doing something actually do something? This is where you’re going to get annoyed at me. I'm slightly annoyed at myself but this is the one thing I can’t seem to be optimistic about. Africa is a continent that has always struggled with power. Corrupt government leaders are a dime a dozen and if I were to say “starving children forced into labour and slavery with the worst living conditions possible” I bet your first thought is Africa. Am I right? The world would certainly be a better place without Joseph Kony in it and some peace might be instilled back into Ugandan people. But I wonder whether his capture would silence the LRA? Or would another leader simply step up and take charge, and possibly revenge, abducting and killing even more innocent victims? Would these child soldiers, who have been brainwashed to kill and now know no other lifestyle, be able to rejoin their families? Would they want to? Would they know how to?

There is so much injustice in the world. Most of us are lucky because it’s only on our TV screens. We don’t live in fear and we can go to bed at night without wondering if we are going to be kidnapped. But for a lot of the world, that’s just the way life is. That’s the way life is in Sudan where President Omar Hassan al-Bashir is considered responsible for over 300,000 deaths and the ongoing suffering of 2.5 million Sudanese who have been subjected to government-sponsored rape and torture in refugee camps. That’s the way of life for those in the Democratic Republic of the Congo where military leader Bosco Ntaganda is wanted for the active use of children under 15 for military activity. These lovely guys are both on the ICC's most wanted list (http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2008/08/03/the_list_the_worlds_six_most_wanted_war_criminals) And what’s that? Both these countries are in Africa? Hmm.

I understand why Kony was chosen to fight against in this ‘war for peace’; he’s top of the list for war crimes. But stopping him won’t stop war crimes in Africa. It might not even stop them in Uganda. Sending foreign armies in to fight won’t change the way of the country. I genuinely believe problems in Africa can’t be fixed from the outside. Unless you can capture and kill every corrupt leader in every country, things won’t change for a long, long time. Possibly ever. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can’t save people from themselves or their surroundings.

That said, I still believe it’s absolutely one of the most worthwhile causes to try. And if you’re anything like me, living the absolute most privileged life, then isn’t it only fair to try to help those less fortunate? Even if all you’re doing is recognising the problem. Doing something, even something small, is better than doing nothing. And what have you done with your day today?

don't let me down.

People often go on about not having expectations of others and that way you can’t get hurt. Or not trusting anyone so no one can break your trust. I want the exact opposite of this. Yes, of course, it sucks if you give your trust to people and they screw you over with it. It sucks that one person can shape the way you trust (or don’t trust) for the rest of your life. It sucks if someone lets you down. But I feel it would be so much worse if the only reason you were never let down by anyone was because you never gave anyone a chance to do so in the first place. If you never care about someone enough or love them strongly enough to be excruciatingly disappointed when they do something wrong by you, then why bother loving at all? You can’t have happiness without sadness – you need to suffer through some tough times to appreciate the good ones. If I love someone I want to have the absolute highest expectations of them. I want to trust them with my life (let’s face it, essentially that’s what you’re doing when you let yourself love someone, anyone – friends, family, lovers). I’d rather get completely fucked over knowing it’s because I put everything into a relationship than avoid any feeling of disappointment because I didn’t truly invest in it. You always get most annoyed and feel most let down by the people you care most about. This is only natural. Little things they do can frustrate and upset you, whereas if it was someone you didn’t love doing those same things, you probably wouldn’t have a second thought about it. Even when I'm annoyed at the people I love, I always remember that it’s only because I love them so much that I'm able to be annoyed in the first place. I want to live knowing I gave my relationships my all, putting all my trust into people and in turn trusting them with my happiness. And if I get screwed over in the process, I want to be glad that at least it’s because I was able to love that strongly, that deeply, to care that much about it.

write time.

I miss writing. I miss writing blogs, I miss writing feature articles, I miss writing letters. Mainly I miss just writing for the hell of it. I miss having the time to sit down and write out my thoughts. I miss writing to sort out my head. I don't even know where I'm at anymore because I haven't had the chance to do this for so long. I'm one of those people who has always needed to write about things going on in my life. Often I've got contradicting thoughts going on and it helps me organise them when they're on paper. And I used to have so much time for this. Now it feels like I don't have time to myself anymore. I don't have time for my thoughts. I started thinking the other day about how I miss having to write assignments and essays for uni. And then I realised that I might be a little bit crazy because what sane person misses writing assignments? I guess I just miss the flow of words.

two thousand and twelve.

Today at work I felt my eyes closing over. I tried to open them up wide but after a few seconds I realized they were closing again. Yes, I just said it took me a few seconds to realize it, because I didn’t even register that they were closing until it was black. This used to happen to me at high school; last period on a Friday, chemistry, where the teacher would stand up for half an hour talking about things I didn’t care about in the most monotonous voice I’ve ever heard.

Today, it was 10am. I’d been up for 3.5 hours. This time last week I would have been up for 1, at the most. Clearly, it’s going to take time to adjust to working full time.  In the mean time, I guess I need to work on my sleeping pattern, try to organize myself at night so I’m not rushing around in the mornings, and get used to having to refill my petrol tank more often than I’ve been used to for the past year.  The only other problem is that by the time the weekend rolls around I know half of me will just want to lay in bed or by the pool, relaxing in the day, watching movies at night. But I don’t actually want to do that. It’s still summer, and I really want to make the most of that.

I want to go out as many Saturday nights as I can and I want to head to the beach and a Sunday sesh every Sunday. Then head to work every Monday. And probably be tired for the rest of the week. The fact that I made a plan to start doing this last weekend, the weekend before I started full time, is a primary example of my great time management skills. Agreed? I used to start on Mondays at 11.30am. Why wasn’t everyone free and keen to go out then? Why did my friend’s only just quit their weekend jobs and become single now? Timing’s a bitch, hey? But I don’t care. I’m not going to let a little thing like timing or sleep get in my way right now.

I think I’ll be able to work it all out in the end. Good time at work, no wanting to fall asleep before midday, making the most of weekends with anyone and everyone who wants to do the same. I’m sure I can achieve that. My star sign told me that this year I should expect new opportunities and that, if I let it, 2012 could be the best year I’ve had. Of course, the fact that I believe this, that I believe in my starsign, means it’s no surprise that I’m always optimist about the year ahead. In this instance, I think I’m just even more excited and determined to make 2012 work the way I want it to. I’ve got a good feeling about this one.

exist in fiction.

Mostly I read love stories because I know they can only exist in fiction. Sometimes I can see the kind of love expressed in these stories in real life but i know that it is never really put into words quite the way it is in fiction. There will always be a difference between feeling something and expressing it in a way that does it justice. And these days, I doubt there are many men who would recite poems for the woman they love, or write letters telling them that “I know I have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together”. I know that if a man did write this, it probably wouldn’t be taken seriously. I’m always saying there should be more romance in the world but I’m sure I wouldn’t know what to do with it if something like that actually came into my world. Romance like that can only exist in make believe worlds. Sometimes I’ve try to express the love I have for someone in a way that satisfies the feelings. I try to write about it, to explain it. Most of the time all I can come up with is that I love someone more than I can put into words. This of course, never feels adequate enough. To express love, to describe the enormity of feelings and put them into words is something I love to read but struggle to write. The writer’s of these stories I always enjoy reading - romance novelists - have somehow found a way to put these stories into words, on paper, in a way that, at least for the brief time you are reading them, makes them seem possible.